My boss pulled off the worst of his mean acts -
He handed me the glare, and then the axe.
That was the situation, those are the facts.

What had I done to make him use an adze?
All I had done was manufacture ads.
Okay, so maybe I had used some pads -

They were too long, filled with a little air.
He could have chewed me out, said not to err.
I would have stopped. Now I sit here and wear

A hair-shirt made of my remaining hair.
I should have said to him, "Jawohl, mein Herr!
But what you're doing simply isn't fair!"

But I said nothing. Now I guess that I'll
Just sit here brooding on my desert isle.

I sit here brooding on my desert isle -
Not since my bride and I walked down the aisle
Have I been out of work. It's been a while

Since she and I stood there before the altar,
A good long while since I have had to alter
The way I live. I'm too damn old to falter,

And I can't even say these things aloud.
I can't express my fears. It's not allowed
Among my friends and peers…the ad-game crowd,

The baby-boomers. No one would be awed
By such behavior. We'd just think it odd.
We'd shake our heads and mutter, "Oh, my God!"

And look away. Not one of us would waffle.
No skin off our nose! We'd treat the fellow awful.

No skin off our nose! We'd treat the fellow awful
Or worse. We'd look away, treat him like offal
Until he understood we'd had a crawful,

Just like the boss. We'd turn our eyes away
Until he heard the song, "Anchors Aweigh"
Ringing in his inner ear. We'd say,

"Tough luck, old boy," leave him holding the ball,
Standing there as though he'd start to bawl
Soon as we turned our backs. Our skin would crawl

And we would feel as though we couldn't bear
The thought of standing there like that as bare
As any new-born babe. We didn't dare

Think of ourselves in his shoes, our fists balled,
Eyes watering, getting pudgy, going bald.

Eyes watering, getting pudgy, going bald,
I waited till I got home, then I bawled
In the bathroom. Finally I hauled

My ass out to get me a little booze,
Confront my wife, and listen to her boos.
I didn't see what more I had to lose.

I soon found out. Not since the baby's birth
Had Susan given me a wider berth -
My sacking took away most of my worth;

That night in bed the rest of it just blew
Out the door. I lay there feeling blue
Or worse - self-pitying, and that sense grew

Until I turned into a crushing bore
And saw myself as nothing but a boor.

I saw myself as nothing but a boor,
But Susan saw me as a rutting boar -
She almost shoved me off onto the floor.

Then one day I blew up, called her a whore,
A wrinkled crone, frosty, cold and hoar.
She said, "I cannot take you one day more!"

And kicked me out. I had some money cached,
I thought, until one day a check I cashed
Bounced higher than an old employee trashed.

So now I'm on the dole and down the chute
And I'm considering whom I should shoot,
My boss or me, or just go on a toot

And make it permanent. I ought to censor
Such remarks. I was a common-senser -

I used to be a normal common-senser,
But now I'm smokin' mad, a mad incenser
Half the time, the other half I'm tenser

Than a wire. I'm far too old to hire -
The ladder of ambition goes no higher.
But I am still too youthful to retire,

Or so they tell me. What's a guy to do,
Lie on the grass and wait until the dew
Falls on my face? I haven't got a clue.

My wife and kids are gone, the house as well…,
If I could find one I'd jump down a well
And fall the last few feet on the road to Hell.

I wake up every morning to nothing new:
What's there to do? I only wish I knew.

What's there to do? I only wish I knew!
I feel like I'm the last remaining gnu
In what is left of the fabulous Bronx zoo.

Here I sit, existing like a friar
In a dark back room with a coffee pot and fryer
Remembering what things were like in a prior

Life someplace out there in the great World's Fair
Where people could afford their subway fare,
Clean sheets, a table and a comfy chair

Or sit at a desk where maybe they relax
A bit too much sometimes, are a little lax,
But still they don't get handed those dirty sacks -

I once was one of those commercial hacks.
My boss pulled off the worst of his mean acts.